Thoughts In The Night

The problem is that most people who are threatened with a deadly illness have some evidence. They feel like they might die, or they feel like they wish they could die, but I don't. I have an intruder...an altoid can living in my breast, and now even THAT is barely evident. The only thing that makes me think I might want to die is anticipating the ominous treatment for this mysterious murderer. There's an awful lot of talk about "side effects" of chemotherapy, but I wish someone would talk about the "effects"! Is "search and destroy the altoid can" the effect, and everything else is an aside? What part of what I feel is the part that I'm feeling because I'm having chemotherapy drugs? I know I'm a skin-head now, but I wish I knew for sure what was causing "electric blood." One drug I take, Avastin, isn't even a chemotherapy, but another kind of medication. When I'm only taking Avastin in the end, ten times, what will the "effects" of that drug be like? Does it have side-effects too that I can't weed out right now because the effects of chemotherapy are so overwhelming? And in a few months, when we're all staring at an apparently normal breast, with no evidence of even an altoid can anywhere, will I be pleased to have a surgeon scrape the thing off anyway "just in case"? Believe me, I'm not attached enough to this breast to have it threaten my life. But we do go way back (and I still have reasonable respect for its talents--I'm not dead yet!) I just need evidence that one old dense, lumpy, saggy breast has the power to kill, unless I succumb to effects and side-effects...